


You are you and i am i

by quesalpha (ummonique)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bad Parenting, Break Up, Ex Sex, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Parent Death, Rimming, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-19 13:43:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4748528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ummonique/pseuds/quesalpha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>singer!dan and baker!phil au</p>
            </blockquote>





	You are you and i am i

**“you do your thing and I do mine.**

**You are you and I am I**

**and if in the end we end up together, it’s beautiful ”**

Dan had only been home about five times since he left. He was now 21 and visiting for his birthday weekend. The last four years had taken him all around the world and he loved it. Hearing millions of people sing his lyrics back to him was the best feeling in the entire world, he never wanted to stop touring and producing music. Once he arrives at his old house he immediately runs up to his old room.

He knew it would be the same, his mother hadn't touched it since the day he left and neither had him. His mother wouldn't be home for about an hour, so he decided it was time to look in his room. Dan laughed when he saw that even his bed was left unmade, his desk had pages full of lyrics he had left behind. He walks over to his desk to find a framed photo of him and Phil.

They were sixteen. - Phil had his hand over his mouth, cracking up because Dan was tickling rebelling against his mother pushing for a ‘nice couple shot’ Dan’s hand was on Phil’s side while his other hand was behind Phil’s back. Dan had his mouth wide open, eyes tightly shut, hobbit hair present as they had just been swimming, Dan sighed as he placed the photograph face down.

“may as well” he mutters to himself as he looks down at his old lyrics.

‘ _I shouldn’t push you away, you proved you’re safe._

_You talk with your eyes, knowing I’m too tired to try’_

Dan moved that piece of paper into a pile of lyrics he would take with him. He read the next piece of paper.

‘ _I’ll type out a message ‘your return is long overdue’ you tell me fairy tales are manufactured for manipulation I delete the ‘I miss you’ ‘_

Dan remembers when he wrote that, even though they remained friends, Dan missed Phil desperately, he had told Phil that it had been way too long since they had seen each other. Phil told Dan he didn’t have to worry about him anymore and he was fine, like the almost five years they dated only resulted in less than a year to recover from it. Phil then proceeded to rant about Disney’s approach to explaining relationships to young children.

‘ _you don’t ever have to say sorry, as long as you remember the way I kissed you when we laid in the snow’_  Dan also adds that to his list, it wasn’t like Phil would complain about it, he understood.

‘ _our love was shown through puffy eyes and text messages that used to fill my lungs with fire but have left a dull ache in my chest, promises made for a future in an apartment; the world would’ve been in my hands- you were my world’_

When Dan visited for his nineteenth birthday, he had written it, he had left it in some hope Phil would see it before the world would, alas that wasn’t possible so Dan put it in the pile.

“oh, Dan” he heard his mothers voice at his door frame. “ hey mum” he sheepishly steps back from his desk.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming round this early? I was expecting you in three days, not that I’m complaining” his mum starts to ramble, Dan giggles “do you want something to eat?’

“sure”

~

“Going to see any of your old friends before the party?” was his mum’s polite way of asking if he’d be paying Phil a visit. “Trent and Hannah ended up getting engaged, I want to go hang out with them soon” was Dan’s reply. His mum made a grunting noise and threw a pillow at Dan’s head.

“we went through this last time, mum.” Dan threw the pillow back.

“your first album was all from your diary when you had a crush on Phil right? When you were fourteen” his mum asked, Dan nodded slowly.

The most listened to song of that year was ‘the start’

‘ _your eyes shone through the screen, your eyes shone through me, making me fall._

_And my mum could hear you giggling as you watched me sleep’_

“Then your second album was based off the second year of your relationship when you were fifteen?” she asks as if she doesn’t know.

He remembered how that album got an award and he had to sing the most voted for song on stage which was ‘flying’

‘ _peter and wendy were our romeo and Juliet, I remember it being on one night and you whispered in my hear ‘I love you’ and I remember truly thinking maybe we would be peter and wendy with a happy ending’_

“Your third album was dedicated your breakup correct?” Dan bows his head and bites his lips, he had filled up about four notebooks full of lyrics for that album, which was number one in almost sixty countries the week of it's release. He held back tears as he remembered the song that he had refused to sing live.

‘ _I know now why first love hurts the most, I never want to be a reason you cry,I need to know you’ll fall into my arms instead of your razor,_

_Now, we’re interrupted by fireworks and I’ll never tell you how much it hurts. I saw you walking down the street, wearing long sleeves to keep your secret, you’ll look at me with despair and desire, but the road between us is made of fire’_

“What’s your point?” Dan brings his thumb to mouth so he can chew his nail. His mother sighs sadly. “Dan, if you can write four albums where there are references to Phil and I know that must mean something. You don’t throw a tether like that away”.

~

The end of their relationship wasn’t as cliché as his lyrics made it out to be.it wasn’t the typical story of Dan having to leave Phil to pursue his career and them breaking up  after deciding long distance never worked. Phil’s dream is why they didn’t preserver through the relationship. Phil had his heart set on owning the town’s bakery and expanding the franchise as far as he could.

Dan remembered when they were little and all Phil wanted was to buy and reopen that bakery he loved so much, what Dan didn’t realize was that Phil just wanted someone to believe in him as much as he believed in the bakery, what Phil didn’t realize was that Dan did.

They never fought about breaking up, they understood that relationships are always doomed from the start. Dan’s mum was a single mother and had always been a single mum but, Dan didn’t mind not knowing his dad, his mum was all he needed. Phil was a different story.

Phil’s parents would disappear days on end, even when he was a kid, they ended up in hospital so many times a year that Phil basically became the parent. Dan had often wondered what ever happened to Phil’s parents, he knew they would never really give up their drug addiction, even though Phil deserved to know what having a loving family was like.

~

Dan was on his way to meet up with some old friends when he walked past the bakery, a smile spreading across his face when he realized how packed it was.

He met up with his friends Trent and Hannah and it wasn’t long before they asked Dan questions he’d rather avoid.

“Have you thought about marriage now that you’re a big star?” Trent asked as he gave Dan a glass of water. Dan cringed, but nodded. “I guess I think about it sometimes, ” he shrugs. “Are you still close with Phil? I know you guys broke up, but you two were having such an amazing connection” Hannah says from the kitchen. Dan gulps as he feels his heart race.

 “No, I haven’t spoken to Phil in almost a year, it’s just what happens, I guess.” he takes a sip from his glass of water. He looked over to Trent, who seemed to be thinking about what to say next.

“It’s a shame about what happened to Phil last year, I just assumed he would have you through it all, ” Dan raises an eyebrow and waits for an explanation. “Didn’t your mother tell you?” he asks cautiously as he sits down at his dining table, closely followed by Dan who sat on the opposite side of Trent. “N-no?” Dan stutters out.

 “Phil’s mother died last year” Dan knew he didn’t have to ask how.

~

After dinner, Dan  didn’t go home, instead he made his way to the bakery. When got there, he knew it would be past closing time, but he still had hope. He bit down on his lip as he walked towards the door. He tried to ignore his hands shaking as he brought himself closer to knocking. He heard movement and he decided it was his last chance.

“We’re closed, ” he heard Phil call out and his heart stopped as he knocked again. This time, he could see Phil’s figure walk towards the door. Dan lowered his arm as the door creaked open and he looked straight forward, hoping to meet Phil’s eyes. When Phil opens the door, Dan feels like he can hear both their heart beats and nothing else. Phil was standing right in front of him, jaw dropped slightly, glasses on, apron on and chest rising and falling rapidly. “Hi?” Dan nervously laughs under his breath.

Phil remains silent but Dan picks up on the forming tears in his eyes. Phil walks inside and Dan follows, closing the door behind him. Phil walks into the back room and looks over his shoulder and Dan knows better than anyone what a Phil invitation looks like. It looks like Phil was doing paperwork when Dan knocked on the door. The radio is on, playing the last few chords of whatever song was playing, the two men are standing facing each other, feeling like they’re teenagers again.

“ _so, next we have Dan Howell’s new single, which is rumoured to be about ex girlfriend roxy grey who was recently seen on set for her new movie in LA”_

Phil starts to nibble on his bottom lip, Dan walks over to the radio and turns it off, sheepishly peering over his shoulder to see Phil’s reaction. Phil clears his throat. “Your mother told me you were around”.

“Of course she did” Dan rolls his eyes, knowing he should’ve expected her to call Phil. Dan turns around to face Phil again and offers a small smile that Phil returns. “It’s nice to see you” Phil says, swinging his arms around awkwardly “you too” Dan replies.

“Um, I guess I can do this tomorrow, do you want to come upstairs for a coffee or something? “Phil gestured to the stairs behind Dan. Dan nods, a smile tugging on his lip.

~

“It’s only one bedroom, but I found a way to fit everything nicely” Phil starts to babble on but Dan zones out when he notices his new album next to Phil’s radio.

 Next thing Dan knows, he’s being attacked by a dog. Phil giggles “Susan, no, ” Dan blinks rapidly, his mouth parts slightly and eyes go wide as Phil giggles louder. “You actually called your dog Susan?” Phil nods. Susan jumps off of Dan then walks off to the corner where her bed is.

“Don’t worry, she’s friendly, she just likes to inspect new people. Coffee?” Phil scratches his neck and sways on his heels. “Please” Dan licks his lips and sits down at Phil’s dining table.

“so, you ended up getting the bakery?” Dan asks after a moment of silence.

“Yeah, I saved up a lot and the next thing I know, I own the place” Phil calls back and Dan goes bright red, overwhelmed with happiness that Phil got his dream. “We’re actually planning on extending within the next year” Phil’s voice becomes less muffled as he walks towards Dan, passing him his coffee. “You still take it the same way, right?” Phil places his other hand around his mug to secure his grip, sitting across from Dan. Dan smiles “yes, I still do”

“So, you have a new album coming out soon and another tour?”  Phil quickly changes the subject, it’s too early for nostalgia lane.

“Yeah, it’s crazy, I don’t remember the last time I really slept” Dan chuckles, he had forgotten how intoxicating Phil was, Dan was covered in Goosebumps and was shaking. “Cold?” Phil asked. Dan shook his head furiously ‘no’ “’S just a bit chilly, I forgot what the weather was like here” his hands fidgeted on the table, rested in front of his coffee, which he was too nervous to drink, he had barely any space to breathe.

“I’m kind of surprised you’re here really” Phil moves his hand to the middle of the table before quickly pulling it back and down to his lap, a motion Dan applies to much thought to. “Really?” Dan’s eyebrow raises.

“Yeah, didn’t you do an interview like two days ago?” Phil shrugs, as if he didn’t keep tabs on when the next available chance of hearing Dan’s voice could be. Dan’s voice had always soothed him, given him peace, helped him concentrate and even to this day, Phil would find a way to hear Dan’s voice as he fell asleep.

Dan smiled so wide that there was no way to hide it “um, yeah, but I decided to come home for my birthday instead of flying mum out somewhere” his bottom lip catches between his teeth and his eyebrows twitch and Phil knows he’s getting lyric inspiration.

~

Dan manages to maneuver their whole night without bringing up Phil’s mother or father for that matter, he comes to the conclusion that the subject is better left up in the air, especially when it’s nine hours later and they’ve long passed any awkward pauses in conversation.

“so, just to clarify to my fifteen year old heart, is larry real?” Phil asks and Dan giggles at the cheeky Segway. They were talking about how Dan collaborated with one direction to write their first album since coming off their hiatus . “I’m not telling” Dan giggles as he hears Phil whimper as if he had been attacked. “rude” Phil pouted.

“shit, it’s late” Dan says, looking at the clock that informs him its almost three in the morning. Phil stood up from the couch they were sitting on and it feels like Dan’s heart is being tugged straight to Phil.

“I don’t want you to walk all that way, I’ll set the couch up for you” even though Dan’s eyes are tired and puffy and the lighting was dim, he saw how shaky Phil’s hands were as he combed them through his tousled hair. Dan hums a yes, extending his arms out, making grabby hands in Phil’s direction. Dan is squeezing his eyes shut, but he can hear Phil, smiling as he holds Dan’s hand to pull him up.

Fuck. Dan’s eyes spring open and Phil’s eyes are wide open and they’re both breathing heavily and they’re searching each other’s faces. It’s like some fucked up deja vu   and Dan has forgotten how many albums he’s sold, how many songs lyrics of his that have been used for posts or instagram bios, he felt like they were seventeen in this moment and they never said goodbye at all.

“hi” Dan finally says. He can hear Phil gulp and his lip quiver

“hi” Phil sounds breathless and Dan suddenly has the urge to kiss Phil until he couldn’t stand anymore. Speaking of, Dan hadn’t felt his legs in a while, should he be concerned?.

Dan ignores all common sense and lets go of Phil’s hand so he could hold Phil’s waist so he could merge them together somehow. Phil’s hands go to Dan’s shoulders and slid down until they were back at Phil’s sides, Phil lets out a sigh of sadness as he reaches with his over hand to the back of Dan’s neck, making patterns with his thumb.

Dan’s not sure how them saying nothing was saying enough for them to both have tears rolling down their cheeks.

~

Phil couldn’t help but tuck Dan in, even if he hadn’t done it in years. Dan turns to his side, hoping the couch would smother him in his sleep. It’s only quiet for a few minutes before he hears a voice towering over him.  “I got all the messages, just so you know”.

It takes almost an hour for Dan to understand what Phil meant. Dan’s new song was a big indirect message to Phil.

“ _all these songs I write, I hope you join them up like you joined the dots freckle to freckle on my skin with that sharpie to make me a constellation, do you even see me now?”_

_“ my lyrics are messages to you that stars cant whisper to you when you’re out of reach , and my voicemail is overplayed, but hearing it reminds me you were real”_

~

Dan wakes up sometime mid-afternoon; he can tell it afternoon despite the smell of eggs consuming the apartment. Before getting up, he texts his mother to inform her he was safe and would be home later. Dan lays on the couch for a few minutes in complete denial, only getting up when he hears plates in the background.

 “I knew you would get up if you thought the food was being served” Phil laughs, his tongue makes an appearance mid laugh.

“You’re cruel” Dan yawns and extends his arms above his head to stretch. Once Dan rubs his eyes for the fifth time, he realizes Phil is shirtless, which also meant his wrists would be bare. Dan notices scars straight away that wouldn’t be picked up on by the untrained eye, but nothing visibly new, he let out a breath he had no idea he was holding.

After breakfast, they spend the day playing video games and talking, just like old times except, no quickies anywhere in the equation. (even though they were never really ‘quickies’).

Phil had put someone in charge of the bakery, calling in sick. Dan would be lying if he said his heart didn’t stop when he realized Phil was doing that just for Dan.

 ~

They end up having dinner together, and its late evening before Dan even considers going. “It’s so weird how normal, today felt, like we’ve never not hung out together, if you know what I mean” Phil stumbles over his words but Dan doesn’t think anything of it. “yeah” Dan nods in agreement, they’re at the top of the stairs but Dan has an idea and he wants to see what would happen if he tried it.

“There was just one thing missing” Dan wets his lips, his throat was going dry, heart beating in his ears. “And what would that be, Mr Howell?”  with that, Dan leans forward, pulling Phil in by his neck and kisses him, it starts off all over the place then they start to move in sync and it’s like Dan is being hit with a ton of bricks, it felt like they were the only two people in the world and Dan shakes the voice in his head telling him to stop.

~

Before Dan could process anything, Phil had moved them to his bed, both their shirts somewhere between where they started and Phil’s bed. The only noises filling Phil’s apartment wEREDan’s moaning and whimpers of plead. Phil ended up pushing down onto his bed, straddling Dan’s hips and sucking any skin he could reach.

“more?” Dan’s voice is already hoarse so his intonation wasn’t quite as smooth as he had wanted. Phil nods, a smirk appearing on his lips and Dan gulps out of anticipation.

They wriggled out of their jeans and carelessly kicked them on the floor. As soon as Dan settled on Phil’s bed, Phil wasted no time in getting in position between Dan’s legs. Dan’s heart is beating so fast that he lost count of his breaths; he hadn’t done this since he was seventeen. Suddenly, he felt Phil’s wet, slick tongue against his rim accompanied by a finger. As Phil prepares Dan , he thrashes about, trying to keep his head up to watch Phil, but he was so overcome by bliss , his head would fall straight back on the pillow.

~

When Phil pushes in, he’s so careful, it actually causes Dan to stop at how fragile he’s being treated, which was a foreign concept to Dan now. They move together in a way that makes Dan feel like no matter what they do, it was making love and would never be filthy or something to be ashamed about.

He knows lyrics are forming in his brain as Phil moans and whispers into his ears, he knows his lyrics will always only be for Phil

~  
They end up just lying in Phil’s bed, limbs tangled up together as if their legs were rope and they were tying themselves together. They lay facing each other, breathing in gorgeous unison that calmed Dan’s crippling worry about having to leave. “I can't believe we just did that” Phil’s voice sounds intimidated which makes Dan squeeze his eyes tightly. “I wish we could do this every day” Dan moves his hand under the blanket so he could run his fingernails all over Phil’s chest.

“But, you have to leave” Phil said matter-o-factually as he ran his palm flat against Dan’s thigh.

“I’m staying for a few more days, Phil, please, don’t” Dan can feel fucking tears forming in his eyes, he would never be as selfish to ask Phil to leave his dream and come on tour with him and Phil would never ask Dan to stop touring to stay with him.

“Okay, we won’t talk about it. Pinky promise” Phil mummers into Dan’s neck, sending shivers through his whole body.

~

“Dan!” Dan’s mum called from the front door. Dan excused himself from his guests and walked over to his mother. “Dan. Your cousin Mallory is here, ” she gestures to the girl standing at their front door.

 “Happy birthday Dan!” she squeals excitedly as she pulls him into a tight hug. “Thank you” Dan says quickly, noticing Mallory trying  to shove a present in his hands. “You didn’t have to travel so far, though; I don’t know why my mother invited you when I’m leaving tomorrow morning”

“I’m your problematic fave” he hears his mother call from another room.

~

He and Phil can barely look each other in the eyes, Dan had spent the last few days in Phil’s apartment (Phil’s bed to be exact) and they both didn’t want to say goodbye. Glances were exchanged throughout the night, but no words were spoken, they knew each other too well to know talking would result in crying and they already lived through that when they were only seventeen.

Once it hits one am, it starts getting a little stuffy, so Dan goes outside for air. He’s almost so distracted by his thoughts; he doesn’t hear his phone chime.

Text from Phil.

**I want to try if you do.**

Somehow, Dan knows when turns around, Phil will be standing right behind him. He was right.

“So, what do you say? Long distance?” Phil fiddles with his fingers placed in front of him. “If I can still feel the same way about you four years later, I don’t see why it couldn’t work. We work” Phil said, his eyes were determined and fierce and god, Dan’s knees were jelly and his heart was threatening to tear open his skin and he didn’t understand why he was just standing there.

  
I love you, Dan” Phil says, voice thick and tears are threating to roll down Dan’s cheek.

“I love you, Phil and I promise I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you’ll feel the same for the rest of my life” Dan’s throat is dry from holding back tears and he finally finds the courage to step forward. Phil moves forward as well. They keep moving until they’re pressed against each other, toes to foreheads.

“can you kiss me now?” Phil chokes out. Dan’s hands caressed Phil’s drenched face and he lets out a soft laugh even though he’s crying too.

They spend the rest of the night whispering  ‘I love you’ to each other and they end up spending many nights like that, never minding that it was only a  few  nights here and there because they belonged together and that’s all that they had to remember.

 


End file.
